Wrapping Up This "Distance" Thing

Last night was the first night I truly slept well.  I woke up to the sound of my alarm and couldn't have been happier to not recall any wake ups the night before.  I was still tired as all get out, don't get me wrong, but at least I am headed in the right direction.

Thankfully, my boss here told me I could have the afternoon off, so I went back up to my room and took a much-needed nap.  I slept for 2.5 hours, but it was not the easiest sleep.  Again, at least I am feeling more rested.  Tonight I am hanging out in the lobby, cruising blogs, checking emails and facebook, and updating my own little bloggie blog.

Tomorrow I finally fly out of here...I've had so much time to just sit and think and re-evaluate, so I feel ready to head home.  I feel like I've gained a logically understanding of my emotional state over the last few months, and I'm ready to make the changes necessary to better myself, my family, and our home.

Hungry Baby!

Baby has been doing really well for everyone, although he is still waking up too much.  I am not sure why he suddenly went from sleeping from 8 pm - 7 am with only one wake up at like 3 am to waking up every 3-4 hours.  He also needs to be picked up every time.  We used to just give him a quick bottle, then maybe the binkie, and he would drift back to sleep.  Now he needs to be held.  We are currently working through strategies to eliminate the wakings and the need to be held, but I imagine it will be a long road.  He's always been a baby who needed to be held...lord knows I spent a month pretty much attached to him 24/7.  I was so grateful he was over it, but now it seems to have returned.

Also, we are approaching his 4-month mark!  In just a few short weeks, he will be heading back to the doctor.  I'm excited to see how much he's grown, check in with the doctor about his milestone development, and ask her some questions I have.  I am a bit nervous to admit to her that we have already been feeding him rice, but in my heart of hearts, I knew it was what was right for him. 

Am feeling the need for some dinner, so am going to take a walk, take some pics maybe, then head back up to my room.  Will write some more to be posted tomorrow (since the only internet in my room casts $13/day) and pass out early.

Home tomorrow!

Future Planning

Day three of conference and I am about burned out on sexual assault.  It’s hard to listen to some of this stuff because I have a baby now…a baby who one day may be taken advantage of or kidnapped.  Frightens the hell out of me.

I can’t wait to get home…sleep (I use the word “sleep” lightly here, folks) in my own bed, with my warm snuggly hubby, and my sweet little baby.  I think being away has renewed my excitement about being a mommy…even though I know there are physically tough roads ahead.   Before I leave here, I intend to have a plan on how I am going to keep some of the stress away.  I need to have a plan to factor in workouts.  I need to have a plan to factor in time with Joe.  And I need to have a plan to ensure I get enough rest so I can be the best mommy and wife possible.

So…here’s to planning.

First Night Out/In

It’s intensely quiet here.  I wasn’t really expecting this…the sound of nothing.   Or at least only the sound of the traffic outside my window.  Hotel is nice…just waiting for summit to actually begin.  It’s awesome to have this right in my hotel, which is right by the metro, and close to shopping.  I was worried that I wouldn’t have anywhere to eat lunch, or that I would have to walk really far to the metro, but it looks like there is an underground tunnel that connects to the Metro and the Crystal City shops, so I am set.  Going to go exploring at lunch today.  Just need to make sure I have time to pump.

I had some wild dreams last night.  Admittedly, I woke up several times…not because I thought I heard the baby cry (like I’ve heard other new moms do), but rather because I am not used to a solid block of uninterrupted sleep.  I kept thinking I was going to be late, wait where am I, and geez what time is it?  Hopefully, tonight will be more blissful.

Tonight is dinner with friends…and likely a bit of shopping.   Hoping to find some cute little trinket(s) for Nash, as a consolation for me being gone for so long.  My dad used to bring us home unique little gifts whenever he went somewhere (which was often), so I hope to continue that tradition with my little family. 

Last night’s report was that Nash was sleeping well.  Of course, this was the report at 10 pm, so lord knows what happened after that.  In the past few weeks, he’s been at his worst from about 3 am on.  So here’s hoping!

Distance Accomplished.

I’ve done it.  I’ve put 800 miles between me and my baby.  Feels weird.  I spent so much time thinking about how great it would be to have a break, take a breather, see my friends…that I never really grasped how difficult it would be.  I literally had to bite back tears in the airport every time I saw a baby…even started to tear up when they made the announcement that families traveling with infants could be seated first.  I instantly imagined what our first trip would be like…we’re already planning a trip up north in August to see our families, and it will be the first time we REALLY travel with Nash.  Today, I realized just how much I need him.  Even when I am sleep deprived and praying for just one more hour…please, just 30 more minutes…I can’t deny how much I love him.  It truly is amazing.

I can’t believe I have 7 full days away.  Although, that is not entirely true, as I will be flying into Melbourne on Friday before driving up to Jacksonville, so I will surely be able to see my husband and our little muffin, smell his amazing baby smell, and fight back those same tears as I prepare to depart again.

I can’t even imagine what I will do for these next few days.  I know it will go by quickly and I will not get to do everything I would like to, but I fully intend to make the most of them.  That way, I am assured to go home rested, refreshed, and really in need of a cuddly baby body at 3 am. 

My dear husband…he now faces his first night alone with the baby.  He has never had to take care of him on his own…give him a bath, make sure he naps, makes sure he eats.  True, his parents will be in town by noon tomorrow to assist, but he is on his own for almost 18 hours.  I truly hope it is simple, and everything comes naturally to him.  The last thing I want is for him to feel like there is a “certain” way to do things…even though I did leave him 4 pages of notes, I only did so to put his mind at ease.  Like a cheat sheet, in case he has questions.  If I know anything about him though, he will completely blank that I did this and where is that notebook anyways…and will emerge on the other side of this week battered but smiling.   I hope this brings him closer to Nash…that they truly have an opportunity to bond in a way that can only happen at 4:17 am when he smiles as if to say, ok daddy, time to play. 

More than anything…I hope they miss me as much as I miss them. 

Even so, I plan to spend the next week sleeping – first and foremost.  But also shopping, hanging out with old friends, having a drink or two, and maybe even going all out with a mani-pedi (my last one was the day I went into labor!).  I will also be working, sadly, but at least that work comes with a paycheck – something that I have been lacking regularly since November 2009. 

Note to self:  Live in the moment.  Stop and notice every thing around you and relish every little thing that makes you happy this week.  It will be over before you know it.

Sitting in airport waiting for plane to DC and am literally fighting back tears every time I see a baby or think about my little man. Will be a long week.

Reflection

Warning:  This is going to be a long, introspective post.  So grab a snack, settle in, and make yourself comfy.
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I am getting ready to head out of town for a full seven days for a conference in DC and drill in Jacksonville.  I can hardly believe it.  Seven whole days away from my little family.  Since tonight is my last night putting the muffin to bed, I began to think about how much my life has changed...for better or for worse (depending on how sleep deprived I feel that day).  So I wanted to spend some time reflecting.

Most notably, I can't help but reminisce about my time in DC, since I am getting ready to head back for a week.  It was such an amazing time in both my life and my life with Joe.  We were passionate, spontaneous, truly in love.  He would make the 12 and 1/2 hour trek up from Florida every other weekend just to spend a few days with me.  We loved Shirlington (our neighborhood) for all its great restaurants, strong drinks, cafe seating in the summer, milkshakes and people watching on the weekends.  I loved that there were paths to run on, my awesome gym/hair salon/grocery store were just a short walk away, and just the general vibe.

Joe and I - post margarita and deliriously happy - 2008.

It was a time where I felt successful...and in my element.  If there were a way for us to move there and do that every day for the rest of our lives, I would.  Sadly, money and Joe's job stand in the way.  I mean, I think the apartment I was staying in was close to $3500 a month AND I wasn't paying for my car/gas/insurance, etc...  Plus he'd have to sell his business and then what?  What will he do?  It would be asking him to start all over for my sake.

But I am excited to go back.  Excited to go shopping at Tyson's Corner (best mall ever).  Excited to get a margarita at Guapo's.  Excited to see my friends, who are up there on mission again.  Moreover, I am excited for a break.  Now I know all the devoted mommies out there are probably gasping at this thought, but I feel the need for honesty here.  I need a break.  I have been here...every day...and every night...for three and half months.  I barely remember the girl that was before my sweet baby came into this world, and although I am fully embracing this new life, it will be nice to reconnect with myself.  You know, work out...get a mani-pedi...eat out...and get a full night's sleep.  It will be nice to have a little me time, you know?  That being said, I am going to miss my baby so terribly much.  I feel like I just want to hold him because I know I won't be able to for the next week. 

It's so funny to think back to before all of this.  Back when I was just getting ready to go to DC.   Joe and I had only been dating for about 8 months or so, we had just moved in together, and I think we both had so much hope for the future.  Obviously something clicked between us as we both prepared to brave 800 miles of separation for at least a year (it ended up being over two years).  Through the ups and the downs, we both knew we wanted to be together, get married, make babies.  We just had to get through this.

Then I finally came home and last minute wedding prep began.  Our life began to revolve entirely around this event...and event that seemed to be as much for the guests as it was for the two of us.  We were both relieved when we finally went to bed that night and it was all over.  We were finally married, and ready to move on to the next chapter.  Little did we know, it had already begun.

Only maybe two weeks later did we find out (the day after returning from our honeymoon) that I was indeed pregnant.  While we both knew we wanted to start a family right away, I think we both expected it to take a while.  Eh, not so much.  So now our attention turned to this amazing little gift growing inside my belly.  I complained...a lot.  As someone who was so used to being in control and being proud of how well I take care of my body, I really struggled to succumb to the whims of pregnancy.  I hated being tired, I hated craving sugar, and I really hated being fat and swollen.  But every night I kept myself awake thinking about my baby...my little angel.  What would he/she look like, was it a he or a she, will I be a good mother?  I thought about playing, making baby food, traveling, napping together on lazy Sundays.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.

My Sweet Baby Boy - 27 Weeks

Then finally, he came.  I was so thrilled to know it was a little boy...he would be my adventure.  We would play and discover and wrestle...and he'd be the love of my life (next to my husband of course).  I hated every moment of labor...until they plopped this messy little bundle of love on to my chest.  I didn't care that I was delirious from pain, or covered in blood, or that I would barely be able to walk for the next three days.  All I could think about was, "Are you really my baby?"  Finally.  Here he was...I waited so long to meet him (all my life) and here he was, looking up at me with these tired, but longing eyes.  It was as if he was saying, "oh mommy, take care of me."  To this day, whenever he looks up at me with those pleading eyes, I can't resist him. 

I can't lie and say the next few weeks were all rosy and amazing.  I lost it.  I had no idea who I was or why I would even choose this life.  I spent night after delirious night up trying to nurse him, rock him to sleep, or just get him to stop crying.  I hated my inability to cope with his difficult days.  I resented my husband because it seemed like his life barely skipped a beat while mine was totally unrecognizable.  He slept through my misery, and because Nashie was so young, it wasn't like he was connecting with me yet.  He wasn't able to look at me and say, "Mommy, it's nothing personal, I just don't feel good."  Nope.  All I saw was a screaming, flailing body in my arms.  And I admit, there were times when I thought about getting the hell out of dodge.  Just making a run for it.  I needed my life back...and there was no hope here in our house.  I kept thinking, if I don't get help soon, I might not make it.  But I didn't know where to turn to for help...I felt lost and hopeless.

After a while though things started to calm down.  I began to sense Nash's needs, he began to settle into a routine, and my sleeplessness was limited to only a few days scattered here and there.  Joe began to see that I NEEDED help...that I might really lose it if he let me take care of the baby day in and day out without any relief. Thank god I have an intuitive husband who communicates with me and really does want to best for me and our family. 

My Family - January 2011

 Still...there are days when I barely know the girl staring back at me...the beautiful boy in her arms.  She's wearing pajamas all day, has showered, but doesn't even bother to brush her hair or put on makeup.  The girl who barely has enough time to pump and grab a bite to eat before the baby is awake from his nap and wanting to play.  The girl who misses spending nights on the couch with her husband...Saturdays at Carrabba's and yard work on Sundays.  The girl who just misses her husband...I mean, we never even had a chance to be newlyweds.   Where is the girl who had such hope for her professional life?  She's unemployed and staying at home (Side note:  I might love being a SAHM if it had actually been a choice). 

In the next few months, I truly hope to find a way to mesh the old me with the new me.  As Nash gets older and we seriously consider child care, perhaps I might find a moment to squeeze in a work out or actually keep my house clean.  I hope Joe and I can get back to the closeness we used to share...  I hope I can find a way to blend my need to professional accomplishment (and the increase in income that comes with it) and my intense desire to be the one who raises my child.