Feeling a little down tonight. Wishing this whole breastfeeding thing was going better. It's not awful, but it's far from perfect.
We do ok, but we have to use the nipple shield. So I worry that he is having to work so hard to get the milk (although there's always milk in there when we stop). I feel like he is cluster feeding so much because he just gets tired of sucking. And then we added in a few bottles during the times he was up for hours fussing, and now I feel like I've opened the flood gates. We used a pacifier too, which I know isn't good, but we've been desperate.
To make matters worse, I feel like Joe is wanting to just go to bottle feeding. He can see how frustrated I get, and how my nipples are hurting, and how easily Nash drinks from a bottle, and he thinks it's ok. But I really want to do this. Going to make an appointment to see Louise...the LC from the hospital...next week. Maybe she can help me. I've read a ton of stuff to try and figure out what I need to do, but I feel like he still isn't taking to it as well as I'd like. He never "empties" a side, or anything like that. He tends to play around a lot, which tells me he is not sucking effectively. All the stuff I've read keeps telling me this behavior is normal, but that doesn't console me when I can't console him. When he's acting hungry for the third time in an hour, yet only tries to suck for a few minutes before playing around or passing out (albeit only temporarily).
I just feel like I'm failing. I'm tired... I feel like I'm not being the mother I want to be.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Welcome Baby Nash!!
Wow...so much has happened since the last post, where do I even begin. For starters, we welcomed our little muffin on Saturday, December 11th. He was 15 days early, so although I had talked about wanting him to come early, I wasn't really expecting it. Here is the story:
I had been feeling like crap for the last two weeks...so big, sore, tired. I felt like I might not make it. We talked with the doctor on Thursday the 9th, and she said I should come back in a week to get checked. If at that check up, my cervix was looking positive, then we would schedule an induction for Monday the 20th. I was super excited because it finally gave me a timetable.
Friday morning about 11 or so, I lost the mucus plug. I was quite gross, but I knew that meant I was on my way. I looked it up online and found out that you lose the plug hours, days, or up to two weeks before you actually go into labor, so it didn't really tell me much. So I was out and about after handling the maids...getting a mani-pedi, hitting up the sewing store, and cleaning the house a bit. I spent the rest of my evening sewing some new projects and hit the sack about 11 pm or so. Joe came home about 1:30 am or so and I was passed out. At some point in the night, I felt a pretty distinct contraction. When the second one came, I decided I should check my clock just to be sure. It said 2:27 am. I wanted to be sure that if more came, I knew what I was looking at. Well a short while later, I felt a gush. I immediately jumped up and ran to the guest bathroom (hate waking Joe with a flushing toilet). Once in there, it was a waterfall! It just kept coming and coming...I couldn't even get up to go get Joe. Finally, I walked back to our bedroom, but it kept gushing so I ran into our bathroom to try to catch it. At this point, I am soaked! I wait about 5 minutes or so and decide I should wake Joe. He took a while to get up, but I told him, and he said, "So what does that mean?" I was like, uh, I think that means I have to go to the hospital. He was like, awww, really, I haven't really slept. He said, I thought we have hours to wait before we can go...and I said, well that's just if I have contractions. I think this is different, but I can't remember if I need to go right away or not.
So I leave him in the bed and go call the doctor. The on call lady answers, I explain that my water broke, but I've only had two contractions, so I'm not sure if I should go to the hospital or not. She was not helpful at all, so I just about hung up on her. I came back into the bedroom, angry and crying...and not sure what to do. Joe asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I just wanted to go to the hospital. So I went and took a shower (had two more contractions during my 15 minute shower, so I knew something was up). We had to finish throwing things into our hospital bags, so didn't get to the hospital until about 4 am or so. I had water gushing almost the whole time and my juicy pants were soaked through by the time I got up to the 6th floor (even with a pad protecting me). They asked me to change into a hospital gown, but I was literally leaking fluid all over the floor and could barely get undressed. I was crying because I wasn't expecting it to be so much...I had always heard it would a gush or a trickle. As in, ONE gush. Not multiple gushes continuously. Now I understand why people are nervous about their water breaking in public.
When I checked in, they said I was indeed in labor and my water had broken. I was 1-2 cm dilated and completely effaced, so we were on our way. Poor Joe was so tired... We were moved to room 612 where we would stay until we were discharged days later. They talked to my Dr and she said to start me on pitocin to ensure I would progress adequately since my water had broken. I was able to manage the pain for a few hours, but by 10 am, I was off the charts. I was sitting on the birth ball, with Joe rubbing my back, and said I can't do it anymore. They decided to check me to see where I was before calling in the epidural. Thankfully, I was 5 cm, so it was perfect timing. It took about an hour of absolute misery for them to get me the epidural and get it in me, but thanks to my god awful contractions, I barely noticed the pain of the epidural. Once it was in, I was in heaven. I was so tired, Joe and I both tried to doze off for a while. My doctor arrived and said I should wait until I feel the overwhelming desire to push and then we could move forward. At about 2:20 pm or so, I started to feel a lot of pressure despite the epidural. She came back in and said, you're 10, let's go. So we got ready. It was a lot harder than I thought...I always thought I would be a good pusher, but I kept running out of breath and feeling dizzy. I didn't expect it to hurt as much as it did...always thought the epidural would take care of a lot of pain, but it didn't. Finally after an hour and a half, little Nash was born at 3:39 pm. He came out all bloody and sticky, but I loved him so much, I didn't care. He came out at 8 lbs 5 oz and 20.5 inches long, so I can't even imagine how big he would have been if he had stayed in for two more weeks. I ended up with a 2nd degree tear, so that part kind of sucked, but I was so happy to just have it done and over with. I cried...a lot. In pain, in fear, and then in joy. Joe cried too...it was such a sight.
The next few days in the hospital were a bit stressful. During the day, everyone was so nice and encouraging. Told me that the breastfeeding was going well, even though he was zonked out like a zombie for long periods of time and had to be woken up to eat. But when the night nurses came in, they (one each night) told me I had to try harder or else he wouldn't do well. They threatened me with him being sick, not being able to leave, etc... I always thought he would wake me up in the middle of the night, crying, to say he was hungry, but he never cried. Like literally NEVER. Then during the next day, I was told, wow, doing a good job. I was so confused about how we were doing...it was maddening. Because it was a weekend, I had to wait until Monday to talk to the lactation consultant, so I was operating blindly. In the end, we talked to her and she said, we were doing really well. Said we should be proud and that we would have no problems once we left the hospital. And she was right...we've been doing great! He passed all his bilirubin tests and everything was fine.
Monday we waited forever for the pediatrician to come and release us. He finally came around 7 pm or so and said we were good to go. We grabbed our bags, our muffin, and headed out. It was the coldest night of the year!!
Everything has been going well so far (minus the pediatrician/circumcision issue I will tell you more about in a later post). The only issue we have is that he sleeps all day, then keeps me up all night. And he's definitely found his cry! He barely cried the first few days, but now he has it figured out.
Lots more stories and info in coming posts!
I had been feeling like crap for the last two weeks...so big, sore, tired. I felt like I might not make it. We talked with the doctor on Thursday the 9th, and she said I should come back in a week to get checked. If at that check up, my cervix was looking positive, then we would schedule an induction for Monday the 20th. I was super excited because it finally gave me a timetable.
Friday morning about 11 or so, I lost the mucus plug. I was quite gross, but I knew that meant I was on my way. I looked it up online and found out that you lose the plug hours, days, or up to two weeks before you actually go into labor, so it didn't really tell me much. So I was out and about after handling the maids...getting a mani-pedi, hitting up the sewing store, and cleaning the house a bit. I spent the rest of my evening sewing some new projects and hit the sack about 11 pm or so. Joe came home about 1:30 am or so and I was passed out. At some point in the night, I felt a pretty distinct contraction. When the second one came, I decided I should check my clock just to be sure. It said 2:27 am. I wanted to be sure that if more came, I knew what I was looking at. Well a short while later, I felt a gush. I immediately jumped up and ran to the guest bathroom (hate waking Joe with a flushing toilet). Once in there, it was a waterfall! It just kept coming and coming...I couldn't even get up to go get Joe. Finally, I walked back to our bedroom, but it kept gushing so I ran into our bathroom to try to catch it. At this point, I am soaked! I wait about 5 minutes or so and decide I should wake Joe. He took a while to get up, but I told him, and he said, "So what does that mean?" I was like, uh, I think that means I have to go to the hospital. He was like, awww, really, I haven't really slept. He said, I thought we have hours to wait before we can go...and I said, well that's just if I have contractions. I think this is different, but I can't remember if I need to go right away or not.
So I leave him in the bed and go call the doctor. The on call lady answers, I explain that my water broke, but I've only had two contractions, so I'm not sure if I should go to the hospital or not. She was not helpful at all, so I just about hung up on her. I came back into the bedroom, angry and crying...and not sure what to do. Joe asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I just wanted to go to the hospital. So I went and took a shower (had two more contractions during my 15 minute shower, so I knew something was up). We had to finish throwing things into our hospital bags, so didn't get to the hospital until about 4 am or so. I had water gushing almost the whole time and my juicy pants were soaked through by the time I got up to the 6th floor (even with a pad protecting me). They asked me to change into a hospital gown, but I was literally leaking fluid all over the floor and could barely get undressed. I was crying because I wasn't expecting it to be so much...I had always heard it would a gush or a trickle. As in, ONE gush. Not multiple gushes continuously. Now I understand why people are nervous about their water breaking in public.
When I checked in, they said I was indeed in labor and my water had broken. I was 1-2 cm dilated and completely effaced, so we were on our way. Poor Joe was so tired... We were moved to room 612 where we would stay until we were discharged days later. They talked to my Dr and she said to start me on pitocin to ensure I would progress adequately since my water had broken. I was able to manage the pain for a few hours, but by 10 am, I was off the charts. I was sitting on the birth ball, with Joe rubbing my back, and said I can't do it anymore. They decided to check me to see where I was before calling in the epidural. Thankfully, I was 5 cm, so it was perfect timing. It took about an hour of absolute misery for them to get me the epidural and get it in me, but thanks to my god awful contractions, I barely noticed the pain of the epidural. Once it was in, I was in heaven. I was so tired, Joe and I both tried to doze off for a while. My doctor arrived and said I should wait until I feel the overwhelming desire to push and then we could move forward. At about 2:20 pm or so, I started to feel a lot of pressure despite the epidural. She came back in and said, you're 10, let's go. So we got ready. It was a lot harder than I thought...I always thought I would be a good pusher, but I kept running out of breath and feeling dizzy. I didn't expect it to hurt as much as it did...always thought the epidural would take care of a lot of pain, but it didn't. Finally after an hour and a half, little Nash was born at 3:39 pm. He came out all bloody and sticky, but I loved him so much, I didn't care. He came out at 8 lbs 5 oz and 20.5 inches long, so I can't even imagine how big he would have been if he had stayed in for two more weeks. I ended up with a 2nd degree tear, so that part kind of sucked, but I was so happy to just have it done and over with. I cried...a lot. In pain, in fear, and then in joy. Joe cried too...it was such a sight.
The next few days in the hospital were a bit stressful. During the day, everyone was so nice and encouraging. Told me that the breastfeeding was going well, even though he was zonked out like a zombie for long periods of time and had to be woken up to eat. But when the night nurses came in, they (one each night) told me I had to try harder or else he wouldn't do well. They threatened me with him being sick, not being able to leave, etc... I always thought he would wake me up in the middle of the night, crying, to say he was hungry, but he never cried. Like literally NEVER. Then during the next day, I was told, wow, doing a good job. I was so confused about how we were doing...it was maddening. Because it was a weekend, I had to wait until Monday to talk to the lactation consultant, so I was operating blindly. In the end, we talked to her and she said, we were doing really well. Said we should be proud and that we would have no problems once we left the hospital. And she was right...we've been doing great! He passed all his bilirubin tests and everything was fine.
Monday we waited forever for the pediatrician to come and release us. He finally came around 7 pm or so and said we were good to go. We grabbed our bags, our muffin, and headed out. It was the coldest night of the year!!
Everything has been going well so far (minus the pediatrician/circumcision issue I will tell you more about in a later post). The only issue we have is that he sleeps all day, then keeps me up all night. And he's definitely found his cry! He barely cried the first few days, but now he has it figured out.
Lots more stories and info in coming posts!
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