Relating...Big Time

Alright, I am sitting here watching Sex and the City 2 (lord knows why), and I just had a moment. There's a scene where Charlotte is in the kitchen with her two kids (who she longed for so dearly) and she nearly loses it. She yells at her one daughter, then goes and hides in the pantry to cry - ignoring the pleas of her daughters to come out. Wow.

I remember watching this movie the first time and not really thinking much of it, but now it really hits home. I've had that moment. That moment where you feel so in over your head, and you're emotional, and then you're upset that you are so emotional. And it's all just so much. It's a wee bit of regret and then a wave of regret for regretting.

I never knew being a mother would be so hard... I never knew I could feel the strongest of emotions on both sides of the spectrum - absolute, indescribable love for this tiny little magical person and fear, anger, hate, spite, utter sadness.

It's amazing, isn't it? Thank god, I'm leaning more towards the magical, love love, absolute adoration side these days.

Baby's First Easter

I think one of the best parts of parenthood is watching your child discover and enjoy all the little holidays, treasures, and treats that we so worshipped when we were young.  It's almost like rediscovering those things all over again.  I used to dream about his first Christmas, taking him to Disney World for the first time, and the first time he gets to eat Del's Freeze.  Today I got to watch him enjoy his first Easter (although he is too young for eggs and chocolate, so it's not quite the same, but the idea is what matters).

Yesterday, we took Nashie to Viera to meet the Easter Bunny.  He was such a good boy...just sat there all calmly while Mama took the picture.  He didn't smile or anything, but it's still priceless.

This morning, we helped him open up his Easter basket, which was filled with little toys and an animal touch book.  Daddy read him the card and showed him where to touch in the book to feel the animals' soft fur.

Then today, we went up to Joe's parents' house to spend the day with them.  He played, we went in the pool (even though we forgot our swimmies), had margaritas and dinner, then headed home for our bath and bedtime.

I need a nap, Mama.

Family Portrait

WHW

Thought I would start the week off by recaping a few of the outfits little Nash Man wore this week.  It's been a trying week, with the whole sleep training thing, but we still managed to pull ourselves together.


Orange Pocket Onesie - Carter's
Cotton Shorts - Target

Puma Swimmies - Bought from Once Upon a Child
Tee - H&M



Monkey Onesie - Appaman for Target

Polo Onesie - Baby Gap
Striped Pants - H&M

Onesie - Gift from Mindy, tag says LiveNation
Shorts - Amy Coe (from Babies R Us)

Making Progress

Tonight begins night 4 of our new routine.  that is...me not rushing in to tend to him whenever he wakes up in the middle of the night.  We are trying to break him of his habit of waking at midnight and again at 4 am, 5 am, etc...  We are trying to cut out the middle of the night feedings and replace them with a single "dream feed" at midnight.  So far so good.

The first few nights were rough...he fussed a lot, he cried a bit, and it was hard for me to not run in, scoop him up, and apologize profusely.  But I knew I had to look long term...and this was the only way to do it.  Last night was not that bad.  He woke up at 10, but quickly put himself back to sleep.  Then I gave him the dream feed at 1130 or so (since I knew he hadn't eaten much at his last feeding).  At 4 am, he woke up, and I let him hang out for 10 minutes.  Once I went in there I gave him his binkie and a few pats, and he fell back asleep.  But then he woke up at 530.  I knew then that he was hungry (since he was so used to eating in the middle of the night).  Even so I let him hang out for a while, checking on him periodically.  At around 610, I finally made him a bottle and he drank it all.  Then he passed out again.  I know it will take some time for us to stretch that early morning feeding until his wakeup, but baby steps. 

Also, I noticed a big change in him today.  When it was time for his first nap, I waited until I thought he was tired, then gave him the binkie and put him in the crib.  He fell asleep!  On his own!  And stayed asleep for a bit longer than normal.   He was also more calm during the day, and didn't demand as much of my attention.  For example, we had dinner at Joe's parents' house and he lied on a blanket on the floor quietly while we ate.  Even they were like, who is this baby?! 

Tonight was not so great...because we were at the rents house and his schedule was off.  He didn't get a good afternoon nap, so he nodded off on the way home at 545.  I got him to the house, gave him a quick bath, a full bottle, and he started tonod off.  So I put him in the crib.  Well an hour later, he is still not asleep and keeps rolling over onto his tummy and can't get out.  So I have to go in there.  Finally he falls asleep, so I'm hoping the rest of the night goes well.

We'll see!

Cinnamon Baked French Toast

Yum!! I just made this (with some minor alterations), and it was delicious!!

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2010/05/cinnamon-baked-french-toast/


So much to post about...later!

Chili-Lime Corn on the Cobs

This one is super simple, but I wanted a post to test out my new navigation bar, so here it is!

First, start with ears of corn (you can use frozen, fresh, small, large, whatever).  I used these:

Image via

Cook according to directions (I made two). 

In a bowl big enough to fit your ears (mine were small, so  regular salad/cereal bowl worked for me), mix together the following:

1/4 cup lime juice

1 tsp sea salt

1 tsp chili powder

Mix thoroughly, then add corn one at a time to bowl.  Be sure you roll each ear around several times to ensure it gets all nice and covered in the mixture.

Plate and enjoy!

Broken

I am at the end of my rope.  I don't know how much longer I can, or want, to do this.

My baby won't sleep unless I am there.  It's god awful...I am so exhausted and just need a break.  I don't know what else to do...feels like I've tried everything, and it's still a process to get him to sleep and he never stays asleep long.

Last night was so messed up.  I gave him a bath at 630, then at 7 we had a bottle and walked and rocked until he fell asleep around 8.  Then at 830 he woke up, so I went in there and gave him the binkie until he fell asleep.  Then at 10, he woke up again.  Gave him the binkie again and left.  At 1030, he cried out again.  This time it took an hour of walking, rocking, patting, binkie to get him to sleep.  Then he woke up at 1152.  I couldn't even believe it.  We've changed formulas and omitted all cereals (maybe it's a digestive thing or gas keeping him up...it's not), we've established a routine (Thanks No Cry Sleep Solution), we've made sure he got successful daytime naps (sleeping with us, of course), tried rushing in at the first peep to try to soothe him before he wakes up completely, tried letting his fuss a bit to see if he will put himself back to sleep (he won't), etc...etc...  NOTHING WORKS.

Last night at 1 am, I decided I was done.  I had to try to let him cry.  Everyone, even my pediatrician, said this might be the only way to get him to sleep on his own, so I tried it.  I turned the monitor down and waited 10 minutes.  After the wait period, I went in there and tried to give him the binkie. He was hysterical, mad, crying.  I walked out, but his unbelievable wails brought me right back - with tears of my own (the second set of the night).  Finally, we ended up sleeping in bed together because I felt so guilty.

WARNING: Honesty Ahead.

I don't know what to do.  I've begun to resent my baby...I don't even want to be around him, much less play cute little games with him.  I'm upset that he won't sleep.  I'm so tired.  I have begun to think that karma is paying me back with a child that will never be disciplined or have self-control.  Why me, I think?  I have even begun to feel regret.  Why didn't we wait, why, why, why.  It's such awful things to think, but I am being driven to the edge and I'm not sure I'm going to find my way back unless something changes. 

I need someone who can help me.  Baby sleep trainer??  Can you hire those people?

WHW.

I read so many blogs where the mommies post about what they wore that week, it's funny.  I think there's even a whole blog titled "What I Wore."  And then there are about a million smaller blogs who link to those "big" blogs about What They Wore.  Not wanting to be a copycat, but wanting to get in on the outfit party (since I am a fashion whore and all), I decided I would do my own version.

What He Wore.  Hehe...

I am going to post a few pics from the week and tell about where I got the idea from and where you can buy each piece.  Sound like fun?  I wish more people would do this since I love looking at their kids' clothes.  I know Kourtney Kardashian does on her blog and I love it!

So here goes:

 Shirt and short both from H&M (Love them) (not avail online)

Hat - Children's Place (no longer avail)

Polo Onesie (super soft!) - Baby Gap (Gray no longer avail)

Seersucker shorts with attached belt - Old Navy

Those are really the only "outfit" pics I took this week, but I figure it gets the job done.  Not going to kid myself or you guys by saying I will take a pic every single day...just the good ones.

Hope you guys like it!

Smartie Pants

Tonight the little man decided he was gonna show mama who was boss.  I rocked him until he fell asleep, then carefully laid him in his crib before sneaking out of the room.

No less than 5 minutes later, he's fussing, so I run back in.  I stick the binkie in his mouth, rub his little belly til he falls asleep, then walk out.

5 minutes later...he's awake again.   This time when I stick the binkie in his mouth, he quickly wraps a chubby little hand around my thumb and holds on for dear life.  Hahahaha...he's like, "You're not going anywhere this time."

Thank god his grip loosened once he fell asleep again or else I might still be held hostage!

Doing Good Things...

...for the Planet.  I mean, Earth Day is like only a week away and all.  So, we decided we should give cloth diapers a shot.  I had originally sworn off the idea because I couldn't imagine washing diapers in my washing machine, then washing towels I use to wipe my face, but I read so many good things about it that I can't keep denying its appeal anymore.

In particular, I read this post over on Dear Baby, which is one of my absolute favorite blogs and all-time favorite baby blog.  She details all the different kinds of diapers they tried and the pros and cons of each, in language that is really accessible.  Going off her recommendations, I bought an trial set of Gro-Via diapers, which she said used to be known as gDiapers.  I bought two outer shells (in the cutest orange and green colors) and a total of 6 soaker pads.  I figured that would be enough for us to try them out during the day when we are at home (we still intend to use disposables for nighttime and if we are out and about), and then we can decide if it is something that is for us. 

So cute!  Image via.

 So today was our trial run.  Since we could not yet commit to the spray attachment for your toilet that helps you rinse the solid waste off, we waited until he had his daily poop and then stuck one on him.  He looked soooo cute!  His little butt was so adorable, I couldn't stop patting it.

BUT HE GOT ME!  Lo and behold, I go to change him for his bath and Wham!  There's poop.  And not just any poop...poop that isn't the "shake it off in the toilet" kind.  I will spare you the details on what we had to do to clean it enough to throw it in the wetbag, but needless to say, we get why you need the spray attachment.  The kid hasn't gone twice in one day in FOREVER...leave it to him to pick this one time.  Little stinker.

Hybrid diaper with snap-in insert!  Image via.

Even so, I am liking it.  I like that it's good for the Earth...I like that it will save us money...I like that it may help him potty train sooner (boys are notoriously hard, I hear).  Overall, I like it.  Stay tuned!

Baby Update

Well it's been a rough month, I'll tell ya.  Nash has taken to waking up on average 4 times a night.  He just can't seem to put himself back to sleep once he wakes up.  And he always cries out, so it's not even like I can let him hang out in there until he figures it out.  The last thing I want to do is to make him fearful that he will be left in the crib. 

That being said, I'm exhausted.  Joe's exhausted.  Nash was napping only 15 minutes at a time (30 at most), so he was taking 4-5 naps a day and then not sleeping well at night.  It was an awful, vicious circle.  I tried just about everything I could think of.  I reread "The No-Cry Sleep Solution,"  I read countless blogs and forums, googled just about every variation of "by baby won't sleep" as I could think of.  And nothing really worked.  I eventually had a meltdown the other day, and since then I have just let go.  It is what it is, as Joe says.  So, I wake up a lot.  And I'm up for good at like 6 am..not fighting for more time...just isn't worth it. 

So I know I said we were starting on the veggies and I would be updating how he was handling everything, but I've since cut out all food, including cereals.  I thought that maybe the introduction of cereal and his sleeping problem occurred at around the same time, so goodbye!  So will wait until at least 5 months before we add those back in.  Hopefully, we will have this sleep schedule figured out by then.

On another note, I took a job today.  It's not a great-paying job or anything, but it's familiar, fun, and damn...it's something.  I need to get out...I need to think and work and organize.  I need to breathe.  I think going back to work will make me a better, happier mama for Nash.  Joe and I just have to figure out the childcare issue.  We are hoping our neighbor's daughter will be available as she used to be a full-time nanny for a newborn.  And since she is right next door, it is so convenient for both of us.  Will keep you posted on how the whole thing pans out.

Damn My Luck

So turns out one of the major side effects of the Depo shot is irritability and depression.  Not to mention weight gain.  Great, just what I need more of these days.

I'm so switching to Mirena ASAP.

Growth

Joe and I had a coming to God day today.  We hashed out a lot of issues, and I see good things for the future. 

Thought for the day (or life):  No matter where you go, there you are.

Word.

Posts Like This...

...are why I need to get over myself.  Love Maegan.

You're so lucky.  So be grateful.

::sigh::

Not sure where all of this is going, but it's not looking good.

ROYR

Rest Of Year Resolution.

Tonight while sitting in the dark with Nashie while he fell asleep - mouth open and legs twitching with what could have only been a sweet baby dream - I made a resolution.  Who cares if it's not New Years anymore...

I will be positive.  While pacing his room tonight I began to realize that I can often be a negative person.  Funny, I always used to say I wasn't a pessimist, I was just a realist.  But now I realize that might not be so true.

Forever Yours - 4.10.10

 Thinking back to our wedding day, I can remember focusing so much on the things that didn't go as planned.  Indeed I even had a bit of a meltdown the next day when I went to pick up my car from the hotel and it wouldn't start (turns out I hadn't even noticed that I was out of gas!).  I was upset about all these little things and even said to Joe, "I am afraid I will only remember the bad things."  Sure enough, whenever I tell someone the story of my wedding day, I think of the mini accident, being late, having to pack everything up ourselves that night, our cake was wrong, etc...etc...  What's wrong with me?!  Why wouldn't I think about what a beautiful day it was?  Our families and friends were there, I was marrying my soul mate, and the weather was insanely perfect. 

34 Weeks!

 When I look back on my pregnancy, I focused so much on the negative things yet again.  I spent so much time saying this isn't what I expected.   I never expected to be so tired, to not be able to sleep, to have so much leaking/swelling/bloating...  Why didn't I focus more on how amazing it was that I was solely to thank for nurturing this sweet little baby in my belly?  Or how about the fact that I only gained 31 pounds despite my less-than-stellar diet.  Or that I lost almost ALL the weight within 10 days without one single stretch mark.  Isn't that something to celebrate?

Moments old...our first of MANY photos we'll share.

On to the actual labor...I was so bent out of shape about how it didn't go as I expected, that I didn't spend much time enjoying the process (can you do such a thing?!)...  I even cried that night at 3 am while standing in our bedroom telling Joe, "This ISN'T how it's SUPPOSED to go!"  Like I really knew how it was supposed to go.  I didn't expect to leak sooo much, I didn't expect to feel so much pain during the pushing, and I didn't expect recovery to be so rough or take so long.  But I've forgotten to think about how it only last 13 hours, which is quite good for a first timer.  I made it to 5 cm before I needed the epidural and felt very satisfied that I had the opportunity to feel real labor before giving in.  He came out perfectly healthy and barely made a peep those first days in the hospital.  And he had the sweetest little face.

Who doesn't love this sweet face!

Then on to the last four months.  I actually had a moment the other day (when I was dealing with the 8th wake up of the night and was completely exhausted) where I said, "What have I done to deserve this? I have a baby who won't nurse, who won't sleep, who doesn't want to be put down...is there a more difficult baby?!?"  How could I?!  I should be relishing every moment of him...there are so many times I thought about how happy I would be to have him, how happy I was that Joe and I were on the same page about having kids right away...and I'm wasting these precious moments being a negative nancy.  I have a beautiful baby, a kind and loving husband, and I've had the opportunity to spend the last four months at home with both of them.  People would kill for what I have...

So no more.  Each night I spend awake with him is one more night I get to spend looking at his sweet little angel face...and I'm so grateful for that.  So that's my resolution.

4 Months Old Today!

Unbelievable.  Our little muffin is getting so big!!

Hard to fathom how fast time has flown...and yet it feels as though he's always been in our lives.  We celebrated his sweet little birthday by hitting up the pediatrician for his well baby check up!  He's grown 3 pounds and almost 2 whole inches since his last visit, and he is still off the charts for height!  It's so funny to hear the doctor when she first sees him...she's always like, whoa...

So he's the size of a large 7-month old or a small 11-month old.  She even asked us if we had any really tall people in our families, and we were both like NO!  It's crazy...but she did say that by 9 months he should settle into his genetic height category, so we'll know more then.  Poor baby had to get a couple of shots today, which was not a cool birthday present, but it's what he has to do.

We also celebrated by giving him his first taste of REAL food.  Like I mentioned before, he has eaten the commercial Gerber Organic Brown Rice cereal and also homemade oatmeal, but no real food up until now.  I know it's early to start him on solids, but I think he'll be ok.  He seems so interested in what I'm eating, I feel like I'm depriving him!  I was eating a turkey sandwich the other day and he kept staring at it and licking his lips!  It was quite adorable, but so sad!  I just wanted to tear off a little bit and give it to him!

So he seemed to really like his potatoes, but he REALLY liked it when I mixed it with a bit of rice.  We are going to make sure we keep giving him his grains since America is sadly behind the curve on whole grains, and they provide the iron he needs, so I mixed them together.  Going to hit up the Farmer's Market on Thursday and hope to pick up some avocados for next week!  I also want to check out some of their other stuff in hopes of making some of his food ahead of time and freezing it.

One Year Ago Today...

...I married my best friend.  And here we are.  Married with a sweet little baby.  Who knew you could fit so much into one year.

We had an amazing wedding.  An incredible honeymoon.  Nine crazy months of pregnancy.  Thirteen insane hours of labor.  And four beautiful months of love love.  And here we are.

Even though sometimes I seem negative or I get down on my situation, I know in my heart of hearts that this is what is meant for me.  Perhaps I am meant to stay home and take good care of my doodle.  Perhaps I am meant to have a crazy difficult child because I can handle it (I can, right??)...   Everything happens for a reason. 

Here's a few quick shots of how we spent our special day.

Laid out in the backyard

Took a swim in the "baby pool." (hot tub)

Laid around and took naps. (sort of)

My forever family.  Love love.

The End

I've officially quit the dairy farm. 

Sad story...at around 3 months, Nash decided he didn't want to nurse anymore. Like flat out refused.  I had to go to drill one weekend so Joe had to give him bottles all weekend.  When I came home, it was like, no thank you, mama.  He would cry if I even tried, so we switched to bottles.  Well I struggled to maintain my supply (had trouble finding time to pump), so I started taking Fenugreek.  It worked like a charm, but it was still next to impossible to find time to pump.

I had relegated myself to pumping while he napped, but then a few weeks ago he went on a no-sleep binger.  He literally wouldn't nap for longer than 15-20 minutes and would wake up 4-8 times a night!  In short, that left me utterly exhausted and with no time (or energy to pump).  I kept trying though...until Friday when I had a complete meltdown.  I had spent all of Thursday night in his room trying to get him to go back to sleep, then he refused to nap Friday during the day, and I lost it thinking about how I couldn't handle another night of no sleep (Joe has to work both those nights).  So I had a meltdown...Joe and I had a fight (he said, it just is what it is, our baby doesn't sleep...I said, what?!), and in my catatonic room pacing later that night (he woke up 8 times that night), I decided I was done.

So that's it.  I wanted so badly to nurse Nash until he was a year old.  I kept thinking I could do it if I just tried hard enough...that I wouldn't give up without a fight.  I used to think people who didn't nurse just didn't try hard enough or didn't know all the options for help out there, but I have so much more perspective now.  I'm totally heartbroken, but truthfully, I'm so happy.  I'm happy because it's been so stressful trying to keep it going.  Now that I don't have to worry about fitting in pumping, I feel more at ease.  But I am sad my baby has to drink that frothy, stinky formula stuff.  Blech!

The Evolution of a Baby's Diet

We started giving Nashie rice cereal around his 3-month birthday.  It was due in part to a lot of people saying it would help him sleep better, and in part because he seemed really interested in me when I would eat my oatmeal during playtime in the morning.  So I thought we would try it.  The first attempt resulted in this:

 

So, I waited a few days and then tried again.  Amazingly, he did great!  He loves the rice, which I don't really get since it tastes like nothing.  But he urges me to hurry up, it's hilarious!

Next week we have his 4 month check up and admittedly I'm nervous to tell his pediatrician about the rice.  I know they say you should wait, but I just did what I thought was best for him.  So, assuming she doesn't go too crazy about the whole situation, I plan on introducing some yummy veggies next week.  Here's my plan, week by week:

Week 1:  Sweet potatoes
Week 2:  Avocados
Week 3:  Peas
Week 4:  Carrots
Week 5:  Butternut Squash
Week 6:  Green Beans
Week 7:  Bananas
Week 8:  Apples

All homemade too...since I really don't want to buy any of that packaged stuff.  I also want to try making him some homemade oatmeal to switch off with the rice.  Well, that's my plan anyways...we'll see how it evolves.

Back at Home

Ahhhh, how nice it feels.  Granted, I am tired and Nashie is not sleeping good these days, but I'd have tired over missing him any day.  Today we took this awesome 2 hour nap in the bed and it was so nice...took me back to the days when he was always sleeping with us.  He just sleeps so good when we're close by.  If only we could all sleep together forever...

So cozy we can't wake up

 I noticed the other day that his sweet blue eyes are changing!  We both have brown eyes, but my mama has blue eyes and his mama has green/hazel eyes, so we were both wondering when/if his eyes would change.  It's still too early to tell what color they will be, but I think blue is out of the question.  There is clearly a more hazely/brown coming in, so we'll see what happens.  I think he is going to end up like his mama...blonde hair and brown eyes.  And Daddy's tan skin...sweetness!

The whole pumping thing is still not going that great.  Now that he wants to take super short naps all the time, I don't always have time to pump, so I've only been managing 3 times a day.  Also, the pump just doesn't seem to get the milk out anymore.  It's great for getting it started, but nothing works as good as just squeezing it out manually.  But that's messy, and Joe made a comment today that maybe I am stretching out the skin that way.  My response:  What else am I supposed to do?  We women are supposed to sacrifice our bodies for babies, so it's either feed our baby as much breastmilk as I can manage or have perky boobs.  What is a girl supposed to do?!?   I still have the double pump I bought, in the box, as I was thinking I would return it.  But now I am wondering if I should try it.  I just don't want to open it up, try it, and find out it doesn't work any better than the single one I have...and then I won't be able to return it.  It was about $300, so that's a pricey risk to take.  ::sigh::  What to do...  Maybe I will try emailing the LLL, since I can't seem to make it to their meetings.

Also, NEED to work out and get my diet on track.  I feel so disgusting these days AND I know I need to get serious about this PT test.  I have a feeling I am just barely going to pass and that sucks.  It's just impossible to find time away until I find a babysitter.  Joe is just no help in working out time for me...he's got so many of his own things going on.

From Shape, "You have to be willing to give up the life you planned to have the life that's waiting for you.". Noted.