I'm so down right now. I feel like nothing in my life is going in the right direction. Joe and I told ourselves in January that 2012 HAD to be better than 2011, but I'm beginning to think that's improbable at this point. Shit is just piling up...with no end in sight.
We are selling our house. It's official...the lock box is on the front door and the For Sale sign will be here tomorrow, Monday at the latest. Under different circumstances, I would be super excited. I've wanted to sell this house forever...get something newer, cleaner, better maintained...something that only mine and Joe's. I've always felt like an outsider...Joe bought this house with another woman...and remnants of that time still linger. And it just takes too much to maintain it. So, I should be happy. Except we aren't selling our house and buying a new one, like I'd originally planned. No, we're selling our house and moving into an apartment. Taking the money we have in equity and using it to get by since Joe is making absolutely no money and I can't cover everything on my own despite having two jobs.
I thought at first we'd get a nice apartment...something I could really enjoy...be proud of. Now, I'm realizing those are just pipe dreams. Joe seems like he already has one he's set on. It's right down the road from his parents...near a playground...near shopping. But it's small...and old. I'm just sick and sad thinking about moving our stuff into storage just because we can't get it figured out. And I think he's really counting on me going to DC next year as some sort of financial savior. Except it's not guaranteed...and him and Nash may not be able to come with me. This isn't the way I envisioned our life together when we got married...
The worst part is that I HATE my job...like hate it. There's nothing about it that I enjoy. I'm overworked...like crazy. I hate dealing with people. I don't like being a part of sales...I don't like sitting in sales meetings. I don't want to be there anymore... And yet I have no where else to go. I have hardly any time to job search because I'm stretched so thin already with work, Army commitments, keeping our house clean, monitoring our finances, trying to fit in a workout, and keeping my family happy and fed. I log jobs any chance I get, then stay up late to fill out the applications, only to never hear back. I don't have a chance to call these people during the day...and half the time a whole week goes by before I can even stop to think about the jobs I applied to the weekend prior. I feel so stuck...and the frustration brings me near tears every other day. But I can't quit because my money is all we have. And the Army needs this and has to have that...and I can't give them the dedication they ask for because I have too much else going on.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if selling our house is a good idea. I don't think my husband has a plan so we're just winging it...and that scares the shit out of me. But I'm tired of fighting with him about it. I'm just letting him do whatever he thinks is best because it's that or fight. And I don't think I'll get my way even if we fight. Not that I know what I really want at this point anyways.
In a perfect world:
- Joe would sell the County Line tomorrow and walk away with a least a little money.
- He would get another job making decent money.
- I would get a new job.
- We would sell our house and buy a new one.
- We'd have another baby.
I read this quote a lot that say, "You must give up the life you planned to get the life that was meant for you." (or something like that). Is that true or are you just settling? Why should our goals and plans be abandoned just because they are harder to attain? Just thinking out loud.
