The Eve of Change

This is one of those rare blog posts that I probably won't be sharing on Facebook...I know most people don't browse the interweb hoping to read about how shitty other people's lives are.  Even though I pride myself on posting a true representation of my life, I must admit I try not to focus on the negative.  But every once in a while, I feel the need to use this blog as I originally intended - a safe place to vent, postulate and find my sanity.  So here goes...

I'm so down right now.  I feel like nothing in my life is going in the right direction.  Joe and I told ourselves in January that 2012 HAD to be better than 2011, but I'm beginning to think that's improbable at this point.  Shit is just piling up...with no end in sight.

We are selling our house.  It's official...the lock box is on the front door and the For Sale sign will be here tomorrow, Monday at the latest.  Under different circumstances, I would be super excited.  I've wanted to sell this house forever...get something newer, cleaner, better maintained...something that only mine and Joe's.  I've always felt like an outsider...Joe bought this house with another woman...and remnants of that time still linger.  And it just takes too much to maintain it.  So, I should be happy.  Except we aren't selling our house and buying a new one, like I'd originally planned.  No, we're selling our house and moving into an apartment.  Taking the money we have in equity and using it to get by since Joe is making absolutely no money and I can't cover everything on my own despite having two jobs.

I thought at first we'd get a nice apartment...something I could really enjoy...be proud of.  Now, I'm realizing those are just pipe dreams.  Joe seems like he already has one he's set on.  It's right down the road from his parents...near a playground...near shopping.  But it's small...and old.  I'm just sick and sad thinking about moving our stuff into storage just because we can't get it figured out.  And I think he's really counting on me going to DC next year as some sort of financial savior.  Except it's not guaranteed...and him and Nash may not be able to come with me.  This isn't the way I envisioned our life together when we got married...

The worst part is that I HATE my job...like hate it.  There's nothing about it that I enjoy.  I'm overworked...like crazy.  I hate dealing with people.  I don't like being a part of sales...I don't like sitting in sales meetings.  I don't want to be there anymore...  And yet I have no where else to go.  I have hardly any time to job search because I'm stretched so thin already with work, Army commitments, keeping our house clean, monitoring our finances, trying to fit in a workout, and keeping my family happy and fed.  I log jobs any chance I get, then stay up late to fill out the applications, only to never hear back.  I don't have a chance to call these people during the day...and half the time a whole week goes by before I can even stop to think about the jobs I applied to the weekend prior.  I feel so stuck...and the frustration brings me near tears every other day.  But I can't quit because my money is all we have.  And the Army needs this and has to have that...and I can't give them the dedication they ask for because I have too much else going on.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know if selling our house is a good idea.  I don't think my husband has a plan so we're just winging it...and that scares the shit out of me.  But I'm tired of fighting with him about it.  I'm just letting him do whatever he thinks is best because it's that or fight.  And I don't think I'll get my way even if we fight.  Not that I know what I really want at this point anyways.

In a perfect world:

• Joe would sell the County Line tomorrow and walk away with a least a little money.
• He would get another job making decent money.
• I would get a new job.
• We would sell our house and buy a new one.
• We'd have another baby.

I read this quote a lot that say, "You must give up the life you planned to get the life that was meant for you." (or something like that).  Is that true or are you just settling?  Why should our goals and plans be abandoned just because they are harder to attain?  Just thinking out loud.

Finances and Happiness?

As my husband and I face uncertain times - with the pending sale of his business and me wasting away at a job that pays like a Wal-mart greeter - I find myself searching more and more for any kind of information, enlightenment, biting sarcasm about money.  How to get it, how to keep it, and why it's such a damn hassle to hit that sweet spot of having enough, but not too much.

And then I stumble upon this article.  It's an interview with Laura Vanderkam, who has a book out titled All the Money in the World: What the Happiest People Know About Getting and Spending.  I feel like I must read this book.

I often wonder what job would bring me the ultimate happiness...which often directly correlates to how much money I would make in comparison to the amount of work I would have to do intermixed with the level of pleasure and personal satisfaction derived from said work.  According to Laura, there is a sweet spot:

The "how happy are you right now" question and what your current mood is -- that seems to max out at about $75,000 a year, which is probably the point where people have solved most of their day-to-day worries of a car breaking down, or an unexpected bill or paying a mortgage. But past that, people's day-to-day happiness does not go higher.

So, I need to make $75K to feel my most happy.  I would tend to agree with her...just enough money to buy a few frivolous things here and then.  Plenty of money to stash away for an unforeseen emergency.  And more than enough to live in the house and drive the car I need at this point in my life. 

People should save far more money than they do. Instead of saving for retirement, save for now. If money doesn't buy you love, what it does buy is freedom. More assets give you more options in life. You have the ability to walk away from a job that's not making you happy, and if you do like your job, if you have assets in the bank, you can push back. You can say, "I don't want to do this" or "I'd like to do something else." What's the worst they can do? Fire you? You don't care.

Indeed...my issue with most jobs is the feeling that you "need" to be there.  Even when they abuse you, or just take you for granted, you really can't tell them where to shove it.  Apparently that kind of power can be had for just $75,000 a year.  With the amount of time and money I've spent on my education, and the (wo)man hours I've put in at less-than-glamorous jobs, I think I deserve that $75K. 

Now, on the important stuff...save more money. 

Money Matters

I read an interesting article this week about the value of stay-at-home moms. It claimed that if you were to add up all the billable hours of work you do each week (things that you would likely need to pay someone else to do if you were not doing it), then you would most definitely make as much, if not more, money than some working mothers.

I decided to give it a try and entered in my zip code (it’s prorated for your local area), then tried to honestly asses how many hours each week I spend doing the tasks specified (ranging from housekeeper to event planner to psychologist. It provided an hourly rate for each, then averaged the hourlies together to get your overall hourly rate. According to my (modest) assessment of my contributions, I should be making almost $43k a year.

Thought would then say that I should only agree to take a job that was willing to pay me at least that much, yes? Too bad the real world is never that clear cut.

Personal Finance Resource!  Image via

In light of this article, I have been working diligently on our family finances. We agreed to a joint account when we got married, but have yet to fully establish said account. Since Joe has been paying his bills on auto draft for the last 10 years, he had some accounts he couldn’t even tell me how to log in or how much he still owed (case in point: our mortgage). I had to take all of our statements and create log ins so I could change the payment account to our joint one.

THEN I had to inform Joe of our total expenditures. I had created this nifty little excel spreadsheet that detailed all of our bills (I tried to pull the highest of a three-month average) and a small contribution to savings each month. GASP! He said…that seems like a lot. I said, “Yes, well, I do have a ridiculous car payment and we now spend (at least) $500 a month on groceries, so…” We still have not worked out exactly how much he needs to put into our account every month because it’s kind of a touchy subject.

You see, I used to be in a not-so-good relationship when I was younger. He was quite a bit older than me and we lived together. He had money (because he was able to work). I didn’t (because I was still in school), so he pretty much dictated where we went, what we ate, etc… I felt like a prisoner and vowed to never be financially dependent on someone else.

So when I was out of work (while I was pregnant and such), I was not making any money. I relied on Joe to pay the bills and take care of the family. It was not a good feeling for me…I don’t even like to have conversations about money, much less ones where I have to say, “You have to pay my bills too because I’m a loser without a job.” So it was tough to have the conversation. And it still is. I don’t think we are putting enough into our account, but thankfully it hasn’t mattered yet because our mortgage has not been added (still trying to track that one down).

Image via

Added to the mountain of money matters, is that I am quite the Type-A, little-miss-organized, and Joe – eh, not so much. So I am very particularly about paying bills on time, keeping these up to date, etc… I check my credit report every year, line by line and I don’t think he’s seen his in the last 10 years. I file my taxes as soon as I get those pesky little W-2s (why so slow?!?!?!) and he hasn’t filed taxes in years (this is largely due to his business and partnership, so it’s legit, people). All these little things can make a Type-A-er like me a little bit uneasy…

Point of this whole blabbering blog post: Money matters are tough. But it’s the number one reason married people argue, so it’s important to get over those communication hurdles. We’re still a work in progress, but I’ll keep you posted.

Diamonds and Disappointment

So, for about a week now I have been talking about this Ritani trunk sale that Mervis Diamond Importers was having today. I told Joe it was 25% off and they looked nice, so I was going to check it out. I said if I found something I liked, I was likely going to buy it. He said ok.

So, today I get up and go about noonish. When I get there, they show me this amazing eternity band that is just about exactly what I am looking for. It's white gold, shared-prong, and about 1.5 carats tw. It's perfect. So, I ask them how much it would be and they say $2600. Now, it may seem like a lot, but that's the best price for product I've come across so far. I mean, the 1 carat NON-ENTERNITY band at Zales is $2400, so it's like way better. And it looked beautiful with the engagement ring.

So, I snap a pic and send it to Joe. I wait a few minutes, then give him a call. At first, he doesn't seem that interested. I tell him to check the pic and call me back. When he does, I ask him what he thinks and he says, "it just seems like a lot of money to spending in a recession." I was like, so you don't want me to get it? He asked why I had to pay a deposit today...I said, well, because it's a one-day sale. You know, like Macy's one day only sales...

THEN...he starts going on about how this "whole thing is getting pretty expensive." I didn't have much to say... I mean, it's true, our wedding is expensive, but we knew that from the get go. Never once has he said anything about how much everything costs... And I've covered almost all of the payments so far, so really it hasn't affected him at all! I mean, I've plunked down about $9K this far, and he's not even to $1k yet! Now, that's not totally fair because he paid for the engagement ring... But it's the point. And so, here I am...

Eh, what can I do?