The End

I've officially quit the dairy farm. 

Sad story...at around 3 months, Nash decided he didn't want to nurse anymore. Like flat out refused.  I had to go to drill one weekend so Joe had to give him bottles all weekend.  When I came home, it was like, no thank you, mama.  He would cry if I even tried, so we switched to bottles.  Well I struggled to maintain my supply (had trouble finding time to pump), so I started taking Fenugreek.  It worked like a charm, but it was still next to impossible to find time to pump.

I had relegated myself to pumping while he napped, but then a few weeks ago he went on a no-sleep binger.  He literally wouldn't nap for longer than 15-20 minutes and would wake up 4-8 times a night!  In short, that left me utterly exhausted and with no time (or energy to pump).  I kept trying though...until Friday when I had a complete meltdown.  I had spent all of Thursday night in his room trying to get him to go back to sleep, then he refused to nap Friday during the day, and I lost it thinking about how I couldn't handle another night of no sleep (Joe has to work both those nights).  So I had a meltdown...Joe and I had a fight (he said, it just is what it is, our baby doesn't sleep...I said, what?!), and in my catatonic room pacing later that night (he woke up 8 times that night), I decided I was done.

So that's it.  I wanted so badly to nurse Nash until he was a year old.  I kept thinking I could do it if I just tried hard enough...that I wouldn't give up without a fight.  I used to think people who didn't nurse just didn't try hard enough or didn't know all the options for help out there, but I have so much more perspective now.  I'm totally heartbroken, but truthfully, I'm so happy.  I'm happy because it's been so stressful trying to keep it going.  Now that I don't have to worry about fitting in pumping, I feel more at ease.  But I am sad my baby has to drink that frothy, stinky formula stuff.  Blech!

Struggling

Feeling a little down tonight.  Wishing this whole breastfeeding thing was going better.   It's not awful, but it's far from perfect.

We do ok, but we have to use the nipple shield.  So I worry that he is having to work so hard to get the milk (although there's always milk in there when we stop).  I feel like he is cluster feeding so much because he just gets tired of sucking.  And then we added in a few bottles during the times he was up for hours fussing, and now I feel like I've opened the flood gates.  We used a pacifier too, which I know isn't good, but we've been desperate.

To make matters worse, I feel like Joe is wanting to just go to bottle feeding.  He can see how frustrated I get, and how my nipples are hurting, and how easily Nash drinks from a bottle, and he thinks it's ok.  But I really want to do this.  Going to make an appointment to see Louise...the LC from the hospital...next week.  Maybe she can help me.  I've read a ton of stuff to try and figure out what I need to do, but I feel like he still isn't taking to it as well as I'd like.  He never "empties" a side, or anything like that.  He tends to play around a lot, which tells me he is not sucking effectively.  All the stuff I've read keeps telling me this behavior is normal, but that doesn't console me when I can't console him.  When he's acting hungry for the third time in an hour, yet only tries to suck for a few minutes before playing around or passing out (albeit only temporarily).

I just feel like I'm failing.  I'm tired...  I feel like I'm not being the mother I want to be.

Lots of Updates

Today has been an eventful day.  Joe and I got up super early to run a bunch of errands and barely had time to stop.

First stop was Patrick Air Force Base clinic to get my 28-week labs done.  I had to redo the blood test as well as do the glucose tolerance test to check for diabetes.

I was smart and had eggs and (sprouted grain) toast for breakfast and approached the test like, meh, no big deal.  Once I got there they handed me the drink and I was like, no sweat.

I was barely half way done with the drink when the lady told me I only had one minute of my five minute limit left.  I was like, oh crap!  So I began to chug it.  By the time I finished it, I was so nauseous.  It was awful.  Then I had to sit there for an hour before they could draw my blood.  Let me tell you, I never expected to feel as bad as I did.  I was dizzy, light-headed, had a terrible headache.  I felt like absolute crap.  Then we had to head on over to the clinic to get flu shots.  Joe was thrilled since he hasn't had a shot in 20 years and has never gotten the flu shot.  I told him he was lucky he didn't get the mist...yuck!

Then we went over to the Tricare office to get information about picking a pediatrician and also to register for the infact CPR and childcare classes they offer.  Everything went pretty smoothly so we just have to wait until the baby is born and we get him into DEERS and they will pick a pediatrician for him.  Our last stop at Patrick was to pick up a refill on my prenatal vitamins.

Then we hit up Home Depot to get the flow control valve we needed for our rust removal system and to check out pocket door kits.  We sooo need to put a door up to keep the cats in!

Finally, we headed over to Angel's new studio in downtown Eau Gallie to pick up our wedding stuff!!  Our albums came out amazing!  We even got an extra copy because the color is a little off (it does look a little pink), so we are trying to think of things to do with it.  We also talked about our upcoming maternity and newborn sessions, and I can tell Joe got really excited after seeing some example pictures and canvas prints.  I think for both of them we are just going to get regular 4x6 prints of all the shots we like and then get one large black and white canvas to hang next to each other in the baby's room.  It's going to be beautiful!

Tonight in the mail I got the Bravado nursing bra tank I ordered from Target.

If you remember, I had ordered a bunch of nursing bras a while back and only one of them actually fit.  So I returned all but the one and reordered the tank in the right size so I'll have at least one bra and one tank.  If I find others I like, I'll check them out but at least I'm ready with the bare necessities.  I am looking to pack my hospital bag in about two weeks (they say 32 weeks is a pretty good time), so I'm putting everything together.  Still need to find a gown to wear...I know they sell these cute disposable gowns that have a low back (for the epidural) and little ties in the front (for the monitors), but they are like $30 and I think I can find something better.

Petal Pushers

I can find a gown somewhere and  then cut and sew it into exactly what I need it to be.  Or maybe I can find something on Etsy for cheaper. 

 We have a hectic couple of weeks coming up with Dave's visit, the baby shower, doctor's appointments, our birthdays, halloween, maternity photo shoot, drill, Orlando trip, etc...  But it's exciting because we are getting closer and it's my favorite time of year!

Mood Swings

Feeling pretty blech today.  Not sure why, but just feeling really down about everything.  Feel like I woke up this way or something.

Seems stupid but I'm pissed that the shoes I ordered don't fit.  Not like don't fit my swollen feet, I mean the ankle area (they are tall boots) are so tight you couldn't fit an average sized foot in there.  Ugh.  That means I have to go through the hassle of sending them back.

Then I tried on those nursing bras again to see if I actually like any of them, but I've decided to return all but one of them.  Even though they looked so cute on the website, they are in actuality hideous.  I am frustrated beyond belief of the lack of decent nursing bras.  I am not asking for a lot...just a friggin bra that doesn't come up to my collarbone.  I mean, I know I have a tendency to wear low-cut tops, but at this stage in "my-body-with-baby," my boobs are all I've got.  I can't seem to find one bra (in my ridiculous size) that is somewhat low cut.  Or just not high-cut.  I've searched all over the internet...It's crazy.  So either I don't wear a nursing bra and deal with the hassle of trying to breastfeed without those handy little hooks, or I completely revamp my wardrobe to include turtlenecks and sweatshirts.  And don't even get me started on trying to find a sexy lingerie look for my maternity photo shoot.  Cue Joe asking:  what do you do with those pictures anyway?

Of course I am not getting much support on these issues.  Joe thinks I should just cover up more...that's what you do when you become a "mom."  Never mind the fact that nothing I own will work with these damn bras.  So everything he's seen me in and everything he's loved, not doable.  And so I guess that means I am now officially a mom...a boring, high-cut-bra wearing housewife who would rather get a really great vacuum cleaner (or slow cooker) than have sex.  Makes it worse that he seems more concerned with his phone acting up than dealing with my funky mood.  Not that I blame him...not much can be said for me right now.  I'm likely to just start crying for no reason.

This morning I re-read the final chapters of What to Expect and am REALLY looking forward to birth now.  <---sarcasm   I mean, as if all the disgusting, unwomanly side effects are not bad enough already, but now I am facing bladder leaks, bleeding, swelling, tearing, gushing, gas, and even more friggin weight gain.  I know, I know...there is a higher purpose for all this and the outcome will be beautiful, but fuck...  I'm pretty much over it.  I feel bad about myself and I still have roughly 11 more pounds to look forward to...bigger boobs (seriously?!?!?!)...waddling (attractive)...and still no job.

Ok, I've tortured you enough...

Surreality

Sitting here tonight I realize how surreal this whole thing is.  I watch baby shows all the time, follows blogs, get weekly updates from three different pregnancy trackers, and have read the entire "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and yet it still doesn't quite feel real all the time.

Even weirder is watching/reading things that I did in the past, but now can relate to more since I'm actually pregnant.  Case in point:  tonight I am watching E! and the episode of Kendra where she gives birth came on.  It's such a good episode because it covers a lot of the stuff that (I imagine) happens in the last month or so of pregnancy.  Right now she is in the hospital in labor and it's so weird to think I will be there soon.

We just had our 28-week doctor appointment today, and she told us that from now on we are supposed to come in every two weeks.  I was like, already?!?!  I mean, it's exciting because it means this whole pregnancy thing is coming to an end, I'll finally be able to see his cute little face, and I'll have control of my body again!  But it's also frightening because I am totally, seriously afraid.  I hate pain...like seriously.  I am nervous about the contractions...the early ones especially, you know, where you are still at home trying to decide if it's too early to go to the hospital.  Nervous about how different our lives are going to be once he does come.  Nervous about making our marriage work, finding a balance between work (hopefully) and motherhood that make sense to me...etc...


On another note, bought some nursing bras online from Target, but it's so hard to decide if I want to keep them.  I had to order them in a cup size larger than I am now (since this is what they say you grow once the milk comes in), so my choices were limited.  Since I am currently a 36DD, I had to find some that were 36DDD/E!  No easy task, let me tell you. So I bought a few from Bravado, but they are obviously too big to really get an idea right now.  And even though they are cuter than some others I have seen, nothing is cute at that size.  Is it just me or do people assume that big breasted women don't want cleavage?!  All the bras are cut so high up, you could never wear anything that is even remotely v-neck or low cut.  Frustrates me.  As if we don't feel unsexy enough, now we have to wear huge, grandma bras!  ::sigh::

All these things people never tell you about pregnancy...  I should write a book, I tell you.  Sex, Lies, and Pregnancy...seems apt to me!