First Night Out/In

It’s intensely quiet here.  I wasn’t really expecting this…the sound of nothing.   Or at least only the sound of the traffic outside my window.  Hotel is nice…just waiting for summit to actually begin.  It’s awesome to have this right in my hotel, which is right by the metro, and close to shopping.  I was worried that I wouldn’t have anywhere to eat lunch, or that I would have to walk really far to the metro, but it looks like there is an underground tunnel that connects to the Metro and the Crystal City shops, so I am set.  Going to go exploring at lunch today.  Just need to make sure I have time to pump.

I had some wild dreams last night.  Admittedly, I woke up several times…not because I thought I heard the baby cry (like I’ve heard other new moms do), but rather because I am not used to a solid block of uninterrupted sleep.  I kept thinking I was going to be late, wait where am I, and geez what time is it?  Hopefully, tonight will be more blissful.

Tonight is dinner with friends…and likely a bit of shopping.   Hoping to find some cute little trinket(s) for Nash, as a consolation for me being gone for so long.  My dad used to bring us home unique little gifts whenever he went somewhere (which was often), so I hope to continue that tradition with my little family. 

Last night’s report was that Nash was sleeping well.  Of course, this was the report at 10 pm, so lord knows what happened after that.  In the past few weeks, he’s been at his worst from about 3 am on.  So here’s hoping!

Distance Accomplished.

I’ve done it.  I’ve put 800 miles between me and my baby.  Feels weird.  I spent so much time thinking about how great it would be to have a break, take a breather, see my friends…that I never really grasped how difficult it would be.  I literally had to bite back tears in the airport every time I saw a baby…even started to tear up when they made the announcement that families traveling with infants could be seated first.  I instantly imagined what our first trip would be like…we’re already planning a trip up north in August to see our families, and it will be the first time we REALLY travel with Nash.  Today, I realized just how much I need him.  Even when I am sleep deprived and praying for just one more hour…please, just 30 more minutes…I can’t deny how much I love him.  It truly is amazing.

I can’t believe I have 7 full days away.  Although, that is not entirely true, as I will be flying into Melbourne on Friday before driving up to Jacksonville, so I will surely be able to see my husband and our little muffin, smell his amazing baby smell, and fight back those same tears as I prepare to depart again.

I can’t even imagine what I will do for these next few days.  I know it will go by quickly and I will not get to do everything I would like to, but I fully intend to make the most of them.  That way, I am assured to go home rested, refreshed, and really in need of a cuddly baby body at 3 am. 

My dear husband…he now faces his first night alone with the baby.  He has never had to take care of him on his own…give him a bath, make sure he naps, makes sure he eats.  True, his parents will be in town by noon tomorrow to assist, but he is on his own for almost 18 hours.  I truly hope it is simple, and everything comes naturally to him.  The last thing I want is for him to feel like there is a “certain” way to do things…even though I did leave him 4 pages of notes, I only did so to put his mind at ease.  Like a cheat sheet, in case he has questions.  If I know anything about him though, he will completely blank that I did this and where is that notebook anyways…and will emerge on the other side of this week battered but smiling.   I hope this brings him closer to Nash…that they truly have an opportunity to bond in a way that can only happen at 4:17 am when he smiles as if to say, ok daddy, time to play. 

More than anything…I hope they miss me as much as I miss them. 

Even so, I plan to spend the next week sleeping – first and foremost.  But also shopping, hanging out with old friends, having a drink or two, and maybe even going all out with a mani-pedi (my last one was the day I went into labor!).  I will also be working, sadly, but at least that work comes with a paycheck – something that I have been lacking regularly since November 2009. 

Note to self:  Live in the moment.  Stop and notice every thing around you and relish every little thing that makes you happy this week.  It will be over before you know it.

Sitting in airport waiting for plane to DC and am literally fighting back tears every time I see a baby or think about my little man. Will be a long week.

Reflection

Warning:  This is going to be a long, introspective post.  So grab a snack, settle in, and make yourself comfy.
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I am getting ready to head out of town for a full seven days for a conference in DC and drill in Jacksonville.  I can hardly believe it.  Seven whole days away from my little family.  Since tonight is my last night putting the muffin to bed, I began to think about how much my life has changed...for better or for worse (depending on how sleep deprived I feel that day).  So I wanted to spend some time reflecting.

Most notably, I can't help but reminisce about my time in DC, since I am getting ready to head back for a week.  It was such an amazing time in both my life and my life with Joe.  We were passionate, spontaneous, truly in love.  He would make the 12 and 1/2 hour trek up from Florida every other weekend just to spend a few days with me.  We loved Shirlington (our neighborhood) for all its great restaurants, strong drinks, cafe seating in the summer, milkshakes and people watching on the weekends.  I loved that there were paths to run on, my awesome gym/hair salon/grocery store were just a short walk away, and just the general vibe.

Joe and I - post margarita and deliriously happy - 2008.

It was a time where I felt successful...and in my element.  If there were a way for us to move there and do that every day for the rest of our lives, I would.  Sadly, money and Joe's job stand in the way.  I mean, I think the apartment I was staying in was close to $3500 a month AND I wasn't paying for my car/gas/insurance, etc...  Plus he'd have to sell his business and then what?  What will he do?  It would be asking him to start all over for my sake.

But I am excited to go back.  Excited to go shopping at Tyson's Corner (best mall ever).  Excited to get a margarita at Guapo's.  Excited to see my friends, who are up there on mission again.  Moreover, I am excited for a break.  Now I know all the devoted mommies out there are probably gasping at this thought, but I feel the need for honesty here.  I need a break.  I have been here...every day...and every night...for three and half months.  I barely remember the girl that was before my sweet baby came into this world, and although I am fully embracing this new life, it will be nice to reconnect with myself.  You know, work out...get a mani-pedi...eat out...and get a full night's sleep.  It will be nice to have a little me time, you know?  That being said, I am going to miss my baby so terribly much.  I feel like I just want to hold him because I know I won't be able to for the next week. 

It's so funny to think back to before all of this.  Back when I was just getting ready to go to DC.   Joe and I had only been dating for about 8 months or so, we had just moved in together, and I think we both had so much hope for the future.  Obviously something clicked between us as we both prepared to brave 800 miles of separation for at least a year (it ended up being over two years).  Through the ups and the downs, we both knew we wanted to be together, get married, make babies.  We just had to get through this.

Then I finally came home and last minute wedding prep began.  Our life began to revolve entirely around this event...and event that seemed to be as much for the guests as it was for the two of us.  We were both relieved when we finally went to bed that night and it was all over.  We were finally married, and ready to move on to the next chapter.  Little did we know, it had already begun.

Only maybe two weeks later did we find out (the day after returning from our honeymoon) that I was indeed pregnant.  While we both knew we wanted to start a family right away, I think we both expected it to take a while.  Eh, not so much.  So now our attention turned to this amazing little gift growing inside my belly.  I complained...a lot.  As someone who was so used to being in control and being proud of how well I take care of my body, I really struggled to succumb to the whims of pregnancy.  I hated being tired, I hated craving sugar, and I really hated being fat and swollen.  But every night I kept myself awake thinking about my baby...my little angel.  What would he/she look like, was it a he or a she, will I be a good mother?  I thought about playing, making baby food, traveling, napping together on lazy Sundays.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.

My Sweet Baby Boy - 27 Weeks

Then finally, he came.  I was so thrilled to know it was a little boy...he would be my adventure.  We would play and discover and wrestle...and he'd be the love of my life (next to my husband of course).  I hated every moment of labor...until they plopped this messy little bundle of love on to my chest.  I didn't care that I was delirious from pain, or covered in blood, or that I would barely be able to walk for the next three days.  All I could think about was, "Are you really my baby?"  Finally.  Here he was...I waited so long to meet him (all my life) and here he was, looking up at me with these tired, but longing eyes.  It was as if he was saying, "oh mommy, take care of me."  To this day, whenever he looks up at me with those pleading eyes, I can't resist him. 

I can't lie and say the next few weeks were all rosy and amazing.  I lost it.  I had no idea who I was or why I would even choose this life.  I spent night after delirious night up trying to nurse him, rock him to sleep, or just get him to stop crying.  I hated my inability to cope with his difficult days.  I resented my husband because it seemed like his life barely skipped a beat while mine was totally unrecognizable.  He slept through my misery, and because Nashie was so young, it wasn't like he was connecting with me yet.  He wasn't able to look at me and say, "Mommy, it's nothing personal, I just don't feel good."  Nope.  All I saw was a screaming, flailing body in my arms.  And I admit, there were times when I thought about getting the hell out of dodge.  Just making a run for it.  I needed my life back...and there was no hope here in our house.  I kept thinking, if I don't get help soon, I might not make it.  But I didn't know where to turn to for help...I felt lost and hopeless.

After a while though things started to calm down.  I began to sense Nash's needs, he began to settle into a routine, and my sleeplessness was limited to only a few days scattered here and there.  Joe began to see that I NEEDED help...that I might really lose it if he let me take care of the baby day in and day out without any relief. Thank god I have an intuitive husband who communicates with me and really does want to best for me and our family. 

My Family - January 2011

 Still...there are days when I barely know the girl staring back at me...the beautiful boy in her arms.  She's wearing pajamas all day, has showered, but doesn't even bother to brush her hair or put on makeup.  The girl who barely has enough time to pump and grab a bite to eat before the baby is awake from his nap and wanting to play.  The girl who misses spending nights on the couch with her husband...Saturdays at Carrabba's and yard work on Sundays.  The girl who just misses her husband...I mean, we never even had a chance to be newlyweds.   Where is the girl who had such hope for her professional life?  She's unemployed and staying at home (Side note:  I might love being a SAHM if it had actually been a choice). 

In the next few months, I truly hope to find a way to mesh the old me with the new me.  As Nash gets older and we seriously consider child care, perhaps I might find a moment to squeeze in a work out or actually keep my house clean.  I hope Joe and I can get back to the closeness we used to share...  I hope I can find a way to blend my need to professional accomplishment (and the increase in income that comes with it) and my intense desire to be the one who raises my child.

Catching Up

I realize I have not posted anything in a long time!  I think we have been so busy trying to get out and do things that I am neglecting my more inactive activities, like blogging.

Today, the DiPinto grandparents came over to sprinkle some fertilizer on our lawn, but little man had just fallen asleep.  So sad when this happens because I know they only have so much time here with him before they head back up north.  So we made plans to get together tonight. 

Warhol and Photobooth attacked the sleeping baby!

So little man and I are hanging out alone today while Daddy works.  I spent the morning playing with his new toys and whipping up some new baby food.  Although he is too little to eat said food, I want to play around a bit before the actual time comes, so I know all the little tricks and roadblocks I might run into.  So far I have made the following:

• Brown rice cereal.   I tried this a few weeks ago by simply grinding the rice in the blender before cooking it up with some water.  I thought this came out a little too grainy though, and I even cooked it with waaay more water and for way longer than the recipe said.  I think this is due to my blender not getting the rice quite fine enough.  So, I bought a coffee/spice grinder the other day.  I still feel like there are some harder bits in there (compared to the super mushy rice cereal you buy at the store), but it's looking pretty good.
• Oatmeal.  I used the spice grinder to grind some of this up, but I did not cook it up.
• Apples.  This is pretty straight forward.  Steam apples on the stove for a bit, then puree.  Easy peasy.
• Nectarines.  I bought a bunch at Wal-mart yesterday because they were on sale and thought they would make great baby food.  So I peeled it, removed the core, and microwaved for about a minute.  Then I pureed.  It was delicious!!
• Bananas.  This was an interesting recipe in my book The Best Homemade Baby Food on the Planet.  It said to saute a banana with a tablespoon on unsalted butter for two minutes, then mash or puree.  The smell, OMG...the taste, OMG.  I wish I was a baby so I could justify eating buttery bananas all day.

Photo from Amazon

 Can't wait to scout the farmer's market to find even more things for him (and me) to try!

Foto Friday

This week I am straying from the typical Nash photo and deciding to indulge my narcissistic side.  A while back, a friend asked who our favorite fitness model was, and it reminded me about how I used to look to her for motivation.  It's appropriate then that I should look to her again as I seek to rebuild my body and find my strength.  So, here she is!

Jamie Eason

She has an awesome attitude, isn't shy about sharing her secrets, and has a really nice booty.  INSPIRATION!

Thoughts on My Gym Experience Today

First off, had a great workout!  Am feeling myself get stronger, although I can tell my running and my abs are waaaaay behind what they used to be.  I can only run for a few minutes at a time, but it's increasing little by little.  I can already see changes in my body, as my muscles start to peek back through.  Feels good!

BUT...I have some other thoughts to share (warning:  I'm a bit snobbish here...don't judge):

1.) Planet Fitness touts itself as "The Judgement-Free Zone."  Yes, "judgEment," not the grammatically correct "judgment."  And today I noticed a sign in the women's locker room that read, "Please do not dipose of sanitary blah, blah, blah..."   Yes, "dipose," not "dispose."  Come on, people!

2.)  Nothing annoys me more than the girls who clearly aren't serious about working out and yet take up valuable equipment space.  For example, today I was waiting to do back extensions because a girl was doing the weirdest, most ineffective crunches on the thing.  After I took a closer look, I got even more annoyed.  Hair down, wearing a regular bra, lifting the lightest weight on the machines, moving at a snail's pace with no apparent purpose/plan.  Um, come with your boyfriend even though you don't work out?!?  Get off the machines and go rent a DVD, chick!  Ugh!  Please note this is different than the regular gym newbie, which I totally understand and support.

3.)  I am not a gym snob by any means.  That is, I can work out in the most basic gyms, and would rather not pay an arm and a leg.  That being said, PF seems to be looking very dirty and rundown these days.  I wanted to roll out my hamstring today, but one look at the grungy, no-longer-white foam roller caused me to decide against it.  Dirty floors, broken equipment, ripped mats...  Ugh!  But I so don't want to pay the $50 a month for Pro Health (plus a $100 membership fee!!).  ::sigh::  Will just have to be sure to wash my hands thoroughly when I leave.

4.)  What kind of gym offers FREE PIZZA?!  That's right, not protein shakes or bars, not fruit or nuts...PIZZA!  PF does...come on!  How serious a gym can you be?!  Here's a link to a great review of PF...I tend to agree with most of what's in the article.