Reflection

Warning:  This is going to be a long, introspective post.  So grab a snack, settle in, and make yourself comfy.
 _______________________________________________
I am getting ready to head out of town for a full seven days for a conference in DC and drill in Jacksonville.  I can hardly believe it.  Seven whole days away from my little family.  Since tonight is my last night putting the muffin to bed, I began to think about how much my life has changed...for better or for worse (depending on how sleep deprived I feel that day).  So I wanted to spend some time reflecting.

Most notably, I can't help but reminisce about my time in DC, since I am getting ready to head back for a week.  It was such an amazing time in both my life and my life with Joe.  We were passionate, spontaneous, truly in love.  He would make the 12 and 1/2 hour trek up from Florida every other weekend just to spend a few days with me.  We loved Shirlington (our neighborhood) for all its great restaurants, strong drinks, cafe seating in the summer, milkshakes and people watching on the weekends.  I loved that there were paths to run on, my awesome gym/hair salon/grocery store were just a short walk away, and just the general vibe.

Joe and I - post margarita and deliriously happy - 2008.

It was a time where I felt successful...and in my element.  If there were a way for us to move there and do that every day for the rest of our lives, I would.  Sadly, money and Joe's job stand in the way.  I mean, I think the apartment I was staying in was close to $3500 a month AND I wasn't paying for my car/gas/insurance, etc...  Plus he'd have to sell his business and then what?  What will he do?  It would be asking him to start all over for my sake.

But I am excited to go back.  Excited to go shopping at Tyson's Corner (best mall ever).  Excited to get a margarita at Guapo's.  Excited to see my friends, who are up there on mission again.  Moreover, I am excited for a break.  Now I know all the devoted mommies out there are probably gasping at this thought, but I feel the need for honesty here.  I need a break.  I have been here...every day...and every night...for three and half months.  I barely remember the girl that was before my sweet baby came into this world, and although I am fully embracing this new life, it will be nice to reconnect with myself.  You know, work out...get a mani-pedi...eat out...and get a full night's sleep.  It will be nice to have a little me time, you know?  That being said, I am going to miss my baby so terribly much.  I feel like I just want to hold him because I know I won't be able to for the next week. 

It's so funny to think back to before all of this.  Back when I was just getting ready to go to DC.   Joe and I had only been dating for about 8 months or so, we had just moved in together, and I think we both had so much hope for the future.  Obviously something clicked between us as we both prepared to brave 800 miles of separation for at least a year (it ended up being over two years).  Through the ups and the downs, we both knew we wanted to be together, get married, make babies.  We just had to get through this.

Then I finally came home and last minute wedding prep began.  Our life began to revolve entirely around this event...and event that seemed to be as much for the guests as it was for the two of us.  We were both relieved when we finally went to bed that night and it was all over.  We were finally married, and ready to move on to the next chapter.  Little did we know, it had already begun.

Only maybe two weeks later did we find out (the day after returning from our honeymoon) that I was indeed pregnant.  While we both knew we wanted to start a family right away, I think we both expected it to take a while.  Eh, not so much.  So now our attention turned to this amazing little gift growing inside my belly.  I complained...a lot.  As someone who was so used to being in control and being proud of how well I take care of my body, I really struggled to succumb to the whims of pregnancy.  I hated being tired, I hated craving sugar, and I really hated being fat and swollen.  But every night I kept myself awake thinking about my baby...my little angel.  What would he/she look like, was it a he or a she, will I be a good mother?  I thought about playing, making baby food, traveling, napping together on lazy Sundays.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.

My Sweet Baby Boy - 27 Weeks

Then finally, he came.  I was so thrilled to know it was a little boy...he would be my adventure.  We would play and discover and wrestle...and he'd be the love of my life (next to my husband of course).  I hated every moment of labor...until they plopped this messy little bundle of love on to my chest.  I didn't care that I was delirious from pain, or covered in blood, or that I would barely be able to walk for the next three days.  All I could think about was, "Are you really my baby?"  Finally.  Here he was...I waited so long to meet him (all my life) and here he was, looking up at me with these tired, but longing eyes.  It was as if he was saying, "oh mommy, take care of me."  To this day, whenever he looks up at me with those pleading eyes, I can't resist him. 

I can't lie and say the next few weeks were all rosy and amazing.  I lost it.  I had no idea who I was or why I would even choose this life.  I spent night after delirious night up trying to nurse him, rock him to sleep, or just get him to stop crying.  I hated my inability to cope with his difficult days.  I resented my husband because it seemed like his life barely skipped a beat while mine was totally unrecognizable.  He slept through my misery, and because Nashie was so young, it wasn't like he was connecting with me yet.  He wasn't able to look at me and say, "Mommy, it's nothing personal, I just don't feel good."  Nope.  All I saw was a screaming, flailing body in my arms.  And I admit, there were times when I thought about getting the hell out of dodge.  Just making a run for it.  I needed my life back...and there was no hope here in our house.  I kept thinking, if I don't get help soon, I might not make it.  But I didn't know where to turn to for help...I felt lost and hopeless.

After a while though things started to calm down.  I began to sense Nash's needs, he began to settle into a routine, and my sleeplessness was limited to only a few days scattered here and there.  Joe began to see that I NEEDED help...that I might really lose it if he let me take care of the baby day in and day out without any relief. Thank god I have an intuitive husband who communicates with me and really does want to best for me and our family. 

My Family - January 2011

 Still...there are days when I barely know the girl staring back at me...the beautiful boy in her arms.  She's wearing pajamas all day, has showered, but doesn't even bother to brush her hair or put on makeup.  The girl who barely has enough time to pump and grab a bite to eat before the baby is awake from his nap and wanting to play.  The girl who misses spending nights on the couch with her husband...Saturdays at Carrabba's and yard work on Sundays.  The girl who just misses her husband...I mean, we never even had a chance to be newlyweds.   Where is the girl who had such hope for her professional life?  She's unemployed and staying at home (Side note:  I might love being a SAHM if it had actually been a choice). 

In the next few months, I truly hope to find a way to mesh the old me with the new me.  As Nash gets older and we seriously consider child care, perhaps I might find a moment to squeeze in a work out or actually keep my house clean.  I hope Joe and I can get back to the closeness we used to share...  I hope I can find a way to blend my need to professional accomplishment (and the increase in income that comes with it) and my intense desire to be the one who raises my child.